why does it have to be this way

who responsablity is it really. Relationships friendship and being inlove in commeted relationships.
Who responsablity is it to make sure that it all works in the healthy balanced system.
If i call you mind frined and i am once cause of stress in other places in your life should i not care enough about you to relieve that stress by taking some type of action even if it means moving apart form you. It hurts to think of this being the answer but how else can i help calm thier fears. I really am at a miss to know what to do though i am uncirten that this is the only approch.
It seems like you would care enough about him to have a serious talk and come up with a plan. It seems to be that you just want it to disolve and faded away. And it shall until a new person comes around. A fear of losing what i have or not being able to regain what i have felt for a long time kept me wrapped in selfish ways that displeased me and hurt others that were around. I refuse to slip back to the person i was i have no desire to model the bahavior that once worked so well. I wish yall could come to see that their is others ways but until you and him find away mine must lead me away with tears in my eyes and my hand empty and my heart sowllen with remose though i know in someway this is the right thing given the oppoition that i have to choose from. I just hope i can show you that it means just how much i care. I worry that you will think i have given up and lied about the way i feel.
Maybe some day things will be fare but for now as your with him its time for yall to find away to become one in love or two in different worlds.
I could type a short prose about the way if feel the places i went when you were near and the brightness you brought not only to my eyes but to my heart and life.
Instead of doing this i have looked on some sights to try and explain how i feel that i am causeing more grief and stress than joy and peace.
You and I both have been doing things that are not good for what yall are trying to have.
* Dismissing your partner’s concerns, fears or requests regarding your interactions or friendship with a potential romantic partner. [ that's his problem and he will have to get over it, yea i am not wrong he is just in his head to much besides you live with him what is he worried about.]
in looking at this with others you and i are both to blame. it seems to be that yall need to work it out so that some were there is some understanding or middle ground. that is really none of my bussness if or how. all i know is he is unhappy about me and i am stressing yalls relationship. In becoming a new me i have to look my side of things and find that i am now causing ill feelings that i can resolve, I am not leaving you or trying to lose the bond we share i am trying to help the stress and the converstaions about me to subside or be warm and kind. I dont care for my deeds and name to be placed into a situation that is anything less than kind and happy.
It really hurts that i have to say these words and then act on this soulation. I am going to miss you so much i feel that i am losing the one person that i have in my life that cares and really understands. I am fearful that in time i will faded into a past memory like so many do when they are not around as often as i have been. Life is going to feel empty and the abscents of your voice and touch is going to push me to the brink of sarrow but i must not lose heart or hope that some way some day it will all work out that we can once again share our lives with eachother once again.
*if trust is an issue in your relationship, look at your actions first before blaming your partner for being ridiculous. Be honest, respectful of your relationship and act with integrity always.
*If mistrust is an issue in your relationship, scan the list above and see which, if any, of the above are present. Address the behaviors that are leading to the mistrust with your partner and see if anything shifts.
http://www.girlishh.com/quality-of-your-relationship/
it's pages and words like these that have me wondering what is wrong with what we have and why i have to be the one to change. but as i have asked many a point a view on this subject it seems that in the end i have to be the one to say what is clear in my mind. has much as i hate to hurt me and you as much as i am going to miss our wonderland and the peace i gain when you are near they way you look lights my heart. It seems for the best that i find sometime away from us so yall can develope into what it is yall both need. I care for you in ways i am afarid to explan and still i know that the abscents of you is going to tear my heart into but it only seems like the only think i can do to try and help you and him find some peace of mind.
I hope this does not cause you to think that i dont care or that my words were false in how i feel. this is not me thinking that our friendship should stop its me thinking that once he knows i am willing to back away and see that i want yall to be happy that he will understand that i care about you enough to let you be at peace with just you and him. then maybe he will suggest that you come back around. if not then that i what i must suffer knowing that i have done right by yall and that i care enough about you to let you go. I hate that has come to this i just can not let him keep upsetting you or thinking i am trying to cause trouble when all i want to do is help.
Please understand that i dont what we have to come to an end i just want you and him to be happy and at peace and i hope by be gettign out of the way it helps yall settle down to were someday we can be together again with you having to stress over how he might feel.
Some day it will all be okay but for now this is all i feel like i can do.

kaleidoscope

Awake to the world once again, finally able to see the colors of life once more. the deep hue of love has my imagination and interest for the first time in years. I am not in love and that hurts some. though the faded memories of those now gone causes emotions that ache to the bone. Still i miss the magical moments created by love. The time shared exploring hopes, dreams and goals. the excitement of working together to watch those things materialize the happiness that blossomed when we knew that together it was done. Love so much as been written and thought on the subject. so simple that children are able to do it from the start so complex that lives are destroyed when its gone. Of all the things i now can see love is one i enjoy the most, from seeing examples in nature and in the stores. I have come to understand that it does not complete any thing it only is a completion of what already exist. As i now look around i see so much more. moments,stars,flowers,bugs, sunset's, sky scape's, and rain drops. such simple things forgotten that make life what it is-a gift. every thing has a color that its born into gods own coloring book. t i am learning to see it page by page when i take the time. Today and for a while i am enjoying looking at the shades love and what it does. like the birds who bathe in puddles after the rain, love that is expressed by the grass before dawn lined with dew. love that is seen in dogs as people walk them in the twiligth before retiring for the night.

I am learning to feel love in art and nature as i walk and seek the happiness i found in holding those that are now gone.

the color i most noticed when i was able to see once more.

eye of envy

i stare into haze of what could be my future, I envy how there lives seem so clear. My path covered with the fog of uncertainty. My fellows seem to receive the gifts i find only in my dreams.

the fates have not chosen such a brilliant sting for me.

i have taken the journey to purge my flesh hoping in the vapor my soul would be refreshed.

my ancient eye only woke for a moment and fated back to a distant place. what more can i do but dream and wait for my time to unfurl from the destiny that i believe awaits.

walking thought the stacks that hold words and images that comfort and fulfill most i am still left lost and empty. pondering what i have missed or forgotten to do. The day wanes on i long for dust an i lie down counting the seconds to another day done. I want to read the passages that have once lead to peace i want to know the promises others say have delivered a new awareness to their minds and still i am to tired to take the time to endure the moments that this would be done in.

I en-ve the past stages of my life i envy the path others are on i envy there contentment i envy what i have lost. in time i will be fine for now i am wiggling in the drab of my life.

shards

LOst my notes and my memory, my young soul poured onto pages, tear soaked and heart broke, I wrote the the history of my misery and life. Now it's lost forever more, a scorned heart has no remorse as she hoped to rid her life of our past she burned my pages an erased the details of my younger days. the pages were my days wrote out as i cried over the pain and crumbled under the weight of despair. my pen was the refuge of the hell my mind swirled with an now lost forever more to the merciless hatred her heart burned with.

confussion at day break

The sunlight parted the curtens and spread before me on the floor.

I woke with a start wondering if i had even begun to dream.

It only seemed that moments before i had decided to try and sleep.

Now with what only seemed the space of favorit dramacon i was being summoined into a new reality by the dawn.

I struggled to admit that another day was upon me, it seemed so far from possible were had the night and its rest gone so quickly.

blank space

TAO TE CHING

sixteen_1

empty your self of every thing

each entity must find a moment to empty out into blank space with no concern for form or content. in blank space the eternal must leave the mortal and enjoy eternity in cool quiet blank space, music is only formed by the silents between the notes-Dr. Wayne-